To Our Darling Child - Home in Heaven Before Us

2/12/2026

 "Said hello and goodbye to baby Ross this morning. Joshua and I spent a good while holding him - a sweet and necessary time for us. I'm so glad that I was able to have him, hold him, kiss him, study his little hands, fingers, toes, nails, face, tiny as he is. The boys were able to come and Christopher wanted to hold him. He was wrapped in a little blanket with name stitched on it by his auntie. " 

 The grief has barely begun, yet we've already heard from so many people who have walked this path before us. God is connecting our story to others' in a truly beautiful way. I can't tell what the future might look like for us, but right now I feel such a strong sense of peace and hope. I hope that I can encourage others who have been through this dark and heartrending path, or who may possibly be facing it in the future. There is no consolation to the fact that it is a club that no one wants to join; it feels like the biggest nightmare. And there's no way through except heartbreak and pain. There is a consolation in the truths of God's promises and there is a purpose for everyone in their life. "God didn't flinch when he wrote your story" is a line that came out at some point this week, one that we buried with our darling Ross David.

Some songs, words, and poems that I've been repeating over the past few days: 

"All the stars in the sky burn the black, close your eyes

All the stars in the sky say 'Goodbye', say 'Goodbye.'

We were here yesterday, now you seem so far away
We were here yesterday, I heard you saying you don't know me
You know one side of a story, oh you don't know me

So open wide your wounded heart, feel yourself be blown apart
Open wide your wounded heart, it's a funny place to start
In the light of the sun, we are found, we are undone
In the light of the sun, we are one

And you don't know me, you know one side of a story

Oh you don't know me

All the seeds beneath the snow start to grow, start to grow
All the seeds beneath the snow say 'Hello', say 'Hello.'
All the seeds lie below, deep in heart and what we know
All the seeds lie below, the ones we sowed

And you don't know me, you know one side of a story
But if could be free, one with all this glory
If we could be free..." 

~Song by Wailin' Jennys, All The Stars

What will be told in that day of measure -

What did we hold, what did we treasure?

Where is the grace at the end of our race?

It will only be found in one confident face.

Too weak to hold on, we must sift and then choose;

So much to waste, so much to lose.

Our choices made we will stand in the light;

Our robes will be dark or our robes will be bright.

There is someone whose hands pour out mercy untold.

My hands are nearly too damaged to hold.

Mercy comes through when our strength fails.

The patience of Christ through the thorns and the nails.

~Hands, written by myself, two days before finding no heartbeat for Ross.

"Father in Heaven, we dig a hole for our baby and give him to Jesus"

~Christopher's own sincere prayer for brother after placing his box in the ground.

God surely speaks to us through our brothers and sisters in Christ. All of January I was in kind of a haze. It seemed that life was throwing itself at me and I couldn't keep up. I knew that God was trying to reach me; of course I didn't know that he was wanting to help prepare me for what was coming, but I felt like I had no time to slow down, even though we weren't incredibly busy. I finally asked an older friend/acquaintance to pray for me and ask God about my situation - what was He saying? She did not see my text or respond for a week, but within that week I got the strong sense that God wanted me to write. So I did. I started writing about my observations, I started journaling, and writing my friends. I started taking notes of the words bumping around in my brain. The above poem was born out of a handful of words I jotted down and then I built the rest of the poem in about 5 minutes. Hands, in particular, were on my mind. Wounded hands, hurting hands. What things do our hands hold, and why? Sometimes it feels like they can't hold onto anything. Where is our hope in those moments? What keeps us from throwing up our hands and walking away? These thoughts were tumbling around in my brain. As I began to talk and to write about my thoughts, I found a common theme. Four other friends felt God calling them to write as well. Different experiences. Different formats. But a clear instruction. God was moving. Matthew 9:13 and especially Hosea 6:6 were repeating themselves in my brain. God doesn't ask for sacrifice. Hesed: mercy, lovingkindness, steadfast devotion - those are better than sacrifice. There's a reason that sacrifice feels too heavy at times, and it's often because that's not what God is asking for.

Even this most heartbreaking moment of our lives we have experienced it not so much as sacrifice but with so much hope and faith. Little Ross doesn't suffer. He didn't experience anything sinful or wrong in this world that we all tread. His physical resting place was "high enough to see all the good and none of the bad" in the world. We believe that about his spiritual resting place, as well. We have discovered that this path of life does not belong to us to walk alone. Our stories are extensively interconnected with everyone around us and life goes sweeter for us the sooner we accept that and agree with God. Ross has given us all this and more. We're grateful for everything that he brought into our life and we've only started healing and discovering what God is holding for us. I have found a great deal of comfort in choosing not to hold on to things I'm not strong enough to endure or grasp. I'm thankful that God brought me to this decision only a few days before such a crushing appointment.

I ask our friends to pray for our family, our marriage, and our boys through this time. I am praying that little Ross listens to his heavenly father and is a good and sweet boy. That he will think of us while he's there. Wesley says his brother is better than us because he got to heaven first. I suppose he is right.